Fresh Picked Craziness

Well, I was glad to learn that our 10 year old daughter has our's and her life all figured out for the future. After stopping at the liquor store tonight and dropping that teeny bottle of blueberry vodka in my ginger-ale (in the passenger seat, in case you were worried), she then yapped like her mother and informed of us important details of our future. First, we are old and wrinkly. Nice kid. Second, she wants a yard. "We have a yard"....I replied. "I mean when I get older" she stated and then continued "When you are in....(pause to think of the name) that happy home where people take care of you, I will take your house." "Oh"...I said, gulping sipping more. "But I'll still come visit you, sometimes." she stated. "Well that's nice to know" I said as I looked at my husband, amazed at her knowledge of the "happy home" place.

She then continued to tell us that at the end of the year, she will be watching a puberty video in health class to which I replied "Oh, you'll get to see a penis".

"Ew" she said. I explained further, no - a drawn penis, not a real one. "Ew" she repeated. "Oh and a vagina" I explained. "Ew" ugh..again. She then told me everyone in her class would be saying "Ew" through the whole thing and I told her no, you will all be giggling (I know from experience, all the way through high school and the (gulp) birth video, ewww)!" I asked her what's wrong with a vagina? Does she say "Ew" when she takes a bath and see's her vagina, or goes to the bathroom and see's it? "Ew, my vagina!!!".......

She didn't have an answer. I'll end there I suppose..........ahhhh, the innocence of youth!

Watch your vicious Dauchshounds people.

Fri Jul 4, 12:35 AM ET

Courtesy of AP

ALTON, Ill. - An Illinois woman says her beloved miniature dachshund gnawed off her right big toe while she was asleep. Linda Floyd told the Alton Telegraph for a story Wednesday that her beloved Roscoe was euthanized because of safety concerns.

(What the hell...put the dog to sleep for eating off a numb toe and now she can only count to 19? That's bs. RIP Roscoe and bandaged toe)

The 56-year-old says she has no feeling in her toes because of nerve damage from diabetes. She discovered the toe missing after waking from a nap Monday. (omg, sorry but that is just funny...I know I'm a little twisted) She called her daughter, (lol.....ahhhhh, my toe's missing?) who phoned 911(ahhhhhhhh, my mom's toe is missing - (operator)what??).

A veterinarian says the toe had been bandaged because of a healing hangnail. That might have somehow attracted the dog.(dogs are gross aren't they? He even ate the bandage I assume...poor puppy...should have left the stinky hangnail alone)

Toe Image from See Seattle Happy Feet Dauchshound image from Dogtionary

Have you been to Yahoo Answers yet? My advice, don't. You will get addicted and probably stop blogging. Some people post questions just for attention *yawn*. Some people give really bad advice. Here are some of the recent questions and what *I* would have answered.

Q - Hwo do i make my haircolor darker without die? My haircolor now is a darkish brown with thick blonde highlights, and is up to my shoulders in a layered look, i also have bangs, what should i do to make my hair darker? without die?

A - I don't know what color hair you may get if you die. Possibly white. You also could turn bald, which doesn't sound like your goal here. I'm thinking black Sharpie?

Q - (in the Singles & Dating section?) What is the most satisfying way to burst a balloon?(maybe party with balloon drop)

A - Clearly you're just plain wierd.

Q - How do you prevent you hair being a mushroom..? Im male, and well my hair is takin the piss, Its sorta mid length for a guy and at the sides of my hair its never straight down, or flicks or anythin. It just sorta curls and sticks out and so looks like a mushroom shape which does not suit me atall! So im wondering how i can maybe get it straighter or flick or just not be a mushroom! Isit how you towel dry it, or watever. Hope you can help, thanks.Additional Details Also, i preferably dont want to use any straighteners or anything like that..

A - If you're hair is pissing, you should probably see a doctor about that. Doesn't sound normal to me at all. Also, I always thought those little mushroom guys in Mario Brothers were cute. I say go with it. It's also convenient to be able to stick a hair pic in the back of your head for easy touch ups.

Q - (best for last?) I THINK MY MAN cheated...? he left me for 2 months and everytime i called him this same woman was laughing either in his work or out of his work she wud be there...he came back but he is good and attentive, and it didn't seem at all like he had been dumped...advize me here??? and if it was only a colleague why was she out weekends with him??

A - You're kidding me right? I think this is all completely normal. Normal guys (and girls) leave their mates for 2 months at a time ALL the time. It's also quite normal to hear other women's laughter in the background. Maybe it was his favorite TV show that he TiVo'd so this would also explain why you wud have heard that. Also, it sounds like you took him back - which is great. He sounds like a winner! You go girl!! That's my advize.

Oh no, this isn't a post about MY damn dog! It's a post about someone else's damn dog and the damn dogs sucky owners as parents.

My mini-vacation weekend in May also included a greeting from Wilson - a bulldog with a vengence. That little SOB snarled and barked at any sound we made (I'm sorry - rephrase that, ALL THE TIME) and his owners basically said nothing about it 90% of the time.

I took this photo of Wilson as he wished that crack in the fence was just a tad bigger! I'm certain he was thinking foot bones connected to the shin bone...shin bones connected to the leg bone while I was thinking dog head decapitated with sharp knife - or maybe I was thinking about calling The Dog Whisperer, he could fix this in an hour with a quick touch of the hand and a 'shhh' sound!

I love animals, but you know what, I also try to control mine as much as possible...when they bark, I hush them or bring them in. These people just did not care. Not only did they not give 2 squats about their vicious little bastard, they also didn't seem to bother with the 10 children running around on a pier that was right next to the water - go figure! More about this in a minute.

I can say I never felt the urge to hurt an animal until I met this one. I can also say I never felt a real urge to hurt another human being until this instance. I tried to figure out why they may not think that this bothers any of the 100 or so other people in the complex. My only conclusion was they must have been deaf.

As for the lovely little children who ranged in age from about 1.5 - maybe 11, they were on their own. I sat up on the deck overlooking the lack of parenting as they ran relentlessly back and forth on the thin boat dock pier. (see photo below - can you say "not safe?") I watched little Johnny (age about 7) captain his own boat and taking a fishing rod to the water wondering when he might snag little Jenny in the head or neck.

I watched them eagerly emerge from the boat because "There's a shark under there! I saw it!" I watched them tattle as "Little Johnny is using all the eels". These things humored me.

What did not humor me is when suddenly one of the kids realized that little Susie Who - age 1.5, was missing. I got up and proceeded to the top of the steps...still no parents, but plenty of children running the pier and complex trying to find her.

Whew-finally the 11? year old came back with her in her arms and do you know what Mommy said? "You're bad"........they had found her out in the back complex parking lot behind a truck. I wanted to punch that fat ass in the face! No, little Susie Who was not bad........your fat ass was incompetant and you should be grateful she didn't fall off the pier and drown dumb &*^#%$.

We go on a weeks vacation in July.....I'm wondering what glorious stories I'll bring back from that one!